Letter to Amazon: “I suspect you’ll become even busier as I pass your name around like a new prison inmate.”

Dear Amazon,

I love you. I realize we hardly know one another, but sometimes one must confess their true feelings for another when those feelings are this strong.

My husband is comfortable with my affection toward you and is understanding to our new, wonderful relationship. You get me. Never before have I met someone who’s understood my quirky tastes in British science fiction television or movies and recommends unheard of shows that I end up enjoying. Better yet, you offered me your Prime services early on in our relationship at little cost to me. I like that. Now I can guiltlessly enjoy those shows without needing to hide my obsession from the Evil Banktress.

Speaking of the Evil Banktress she’s beginning to suspect our relationship. Unlike my husband she’s less understanding and much more selfish. However as your Fire stokes the flames of my love for you, I find myself perusing your many pages for book titles I have yet to read. Your first of the month surprise deal of a free book is a gift that keeps on giving and in a good way to boot! Your lending library holds more titles than my local library and the books I crave are always in stock. Bonus!

You know me better than some close friends and you never judge my taste in books, TV, movies, or music. Rather than criticizing me you embrace my individuality and recommend series or artists to sample and follow-up with asking me how I liked it. Some of my friends won’t even do this!

We can take our relationship out of the confines of my home and I can proudly display you in public without fear of embarrassment or scornful looks. You’re dignified when needed, funny and charming at the proper times, sexy when asked; you’re like Suri only quieter (okay that was a lame stretch of a reference to The Big Bang Theory when Raj develops feelings for Suri; another recommended TV show that I love!). You even tolerate my lame attempts at humor with good humor and grace. No eyes roll in sight, no audible sigh of frustration.

Our relationship has begun slowly and with trust issues from past relationships. But we’ve built a good rapport and my trust grows. As I was discussing our relationship with a friend and stating how understanding my husband is, she stated our relationship is like a threesome without the weirdness. She’s impressed by your discretion and ease with 1-Click. No other suitor offers gratification like you.

In addition to sending me as many gifts as I like, you always reassure me when I need it most. Another click on “Track Package” and I get a quick and easy fix. You enable my neuroses without complaint. If I’m unhappy for whatever reason your superb communication soothes my frazzled nerves all the while answering my endless questions.

In essence you’re the ideal partner.

It would be selfish to ask you to become monogamous especially while I’m happily married so I’d like to reassure you that I’m comfortable with you seeing other people. When a relationship of this nature is this good it you have to share it. I suspect you’ll become even busier as I pass your name around like a new prison inmate.

Thank you for being the perfect mistress. Paying for your services never felt so good…

With love and adoration,

Tara Aarness

This entry was posted in Culture, Dating, Economics, Happiness, Humor. Bookmark the permalink.

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